In 1762, philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau published an influential book that fundamentally changed how Western society views children and learning.
In the book, Emile, he imagines being a tutor to a fictional boy, Emile, and describes how he would raise the boy. On comparing Emile with others, he writes:
Moreover, as soon as he begins to reason let there be no comparison with other children, no rivalry, no competition, not even in running races. I would far rather he did not learn anything than have him learn it through jealousy or self-conceit. Year by year I shall just note the progress he had made, I shall compare the results with those of the following year, I shall say, ‘You have grown so much; that is the ditch you jumped, the weight you carried, the distance you flung a pebble, the race you ran without stopping to take breath, etc.; let us see what you can do now.’
In this way he is stimulated to further effort without jealousy. He wants to excel himself as he ought to do; I see no reason why he should not emulate his own performances.
Rousseau cares more about character than grades. Comparing a child with his peers causes the child to develop a need to feel superior to others. A child who studies just to beat his classmates, not because he loves to learn, is corrupting his own character. A child should be compared only with his past self, never with other children.
As an athlete, I find it extreme and unnecessary to avoid all competitions because sports can inspire us to aim higher and push ourselves. No true athlete wishes their competitors were weak so that they could win races. But at the end of the day, a race is a race; athletes are ranked by their finishing positions.
I agree, though, that it is better to compare our children to their past selves to see how much they have grown than to compare them with their peers (and siblings) to see who’s better. Comparing our children with others is pointless because every child has their own pace. If our child is “worse” by a certain measure, it only makes us unnecessarily frustrated and stressed. If our child is “better” by that measure, what is there to gloat about?
To make it worse, our children could pick it up from us as an unhealthy habit. From my own experience, the tendency to compare (and then, in the bad case, feel envious or inferior) can continue all the way to adulthood. I have been trying to unlearn comparing myself with others for many years.
But knowing this doesn’t make it easy to stop. Questions slip out before we notice: Why can’t you be as obedient as our neighbor? Why do you sleep so poorly compared to your sister? Why aren’t you as smart as your classmates? I actively fight against this reflex but still catch myself every so often.
Did you compare your children with anyone today?
P.S. Want to come back to this later? Keep it in your commonplace book.