In relationships, don't be efficient

What we should be doing is the opposite.

My son just fell asleep. Tonight, my wife and I spent about an hour in the dark room with him before he fell asleep. Sometimes, it could be two hours. Unless one of us is not at home, which is rare, we both accompany him until he falls asleep.

Some of our parent friends take turns to do that: 1, 3, 5, and 2, 4, 6, for example. I’d admit that is much more efficient and allows one of us to rest and do whatever we want. Or wash the milk bottles. But we aren’t trying to be efficient. I actually love doing such mundane stuff with my wife and son.

This isn’t a judgment of other parents, though. We take turns showering our son so that the other can shower (but not on any specific schedule). I’m sure other parents do other mundane little things together that we don’t.

Being a parent has taught me a lot about doing things inefficiently. Well, for one, you cannot give birth to a healthy kid in fewer than nine months by being efficient. Neither can you make a kid get ready for school or eat her meal faster.

It’s tempting to rush a child to eat or change their clothes faster, the boring routine stuff, so that they can get to the fun stuff, like going to the zoo or attending a birthday party. But we forget they just want to spend time with us, regardless of whether we are “just” eating or watching the sea lion perform.

In When Life Gives You Tangerines, there was a heart-tugging conversation between the main character and her daughter:

Mom: Sweetie, why does it take you forever to get changed every morning?

Daughter: Because once I’m dressed, you’ll go to work.

This exchange melted my heart and made me cherish the mornings with my son before school even more. I still try to get him to school by 8:30 so that he doesn’t miss breakfast in school but I try not to rush him. In the worst case, we can get breakfast together before he goes to school.

The beauty of inefficiency in relationships is everywhere:

• A boyfriend sends his girlfriend home even though he has to make a detour.

• A partner stays up and waits for his partner to come home from a late shift so that they can spend a bit more time together.

• A mother brings his son on a train ride in the evening because he wants to, instead of rushing him to sleep so that she could rest.

• A friend makes a birthday card and writes a heartfelt message, even though sending a WhatsApp message is easier and faster.

• A young man walks an elderly neighbour home to make sure she gets home safely.

• A team leader doesn’t shut everyone down and simply does things his way, even if he thinks he might be right because the long-term relationship and learning how to work together are more important.

All too often, we optimize for the wrong things in relationships. We are taught to do things quickly, save time, be efficient. But what matters in relationships is the opposite.

Do things together slowly, spend lots of time together, and be inefficient.

Warmly