Hello!
ICYMI: I’m narrowing my focus to writing about being a hands-on dad who is building a business around my family. I’ll still be writing about AI, software, business, health and fitness, and productivity but with that particular lens. If this no longer interests you, feel free to unsubscribe (or check out my field notes).
Also, I’m doubling down on making Fernsage a digital commonplace book. This week, I added a “Cited quote” block, where you can include the author, source, and link. You can then view all the quotes from a particular author or source on a single page. Reply to this email if you want an early-supporter discount ;)
As part of a slower and more intentional life, I write these weekly emails and make Fernsage, a digital commonplace book.
Losing my professional identity as a hands-on dad
I used to be a “cofounder of AI startups”. While most of our products failed, SK and I built a profitable business. Then, I took a long break to be with my family. I barely even touched my laptop. I woke up (if I even slept), fed my kids, changed diapers, cooked, bathed my kids, put them to sleep, and spent time with my wife. My professional identity became... nothing.
But even as I thought about my next step, I couldn’t fathom going back to a regular office job. While it is the typical way to get a Serious Professional Identity (and a stable income), I wouldn’t be able to be as hands-on with my kids, be with my wife, and help with running the house. Also, I had already stepped off the traditional career path for four years.
What should I do?
One thing I knew was that I still had many things I wanted to pursue. While it sounded nice to be at home all day and not do any work, I just couldn’t sit still. Even before my break, SK predicted I would become bored quickly. My wife also said I won’t be able to sit at home and do nothing. They were right.
Thanks to the sleep deprivation, I came up with a crazy idea to write a book (about finding my path as a founder dad). I jotted down ideas and notes in Obsidian on my iPhone as and when I thought of something. I also started writing short essays when my kids slept. When our days felt a bit more stable, I whipped out my laptop and started building things. First, a baby tracker. Then, my personal website. Then, a notes app.
Day by day, step by step, I discovered what I want to do. I would have to start from scratch, start from the bottom again. But to be with my family and pursue my interests in writing and software, this is the path.
I registered a business and committed to building it around my family.
Instead of slotting my family around my work, I plan my work around my family. I end most of my work days early to cook for them. I go for all of my son’s school trips and celebrations. I run and eat with my wife when she has off days.
Initially, I doubted my decision. Is it really okay to do this? To not have a Serious Professional Identity? To work way fewer hours than most people do? To earn less to have more time? I still question myself sometimes.
But in reality, my work has not changed much from when I was a “Startup Cofounder”. I used to help test our products and suggest improvements, create websites and social media posts, and support our customers. Now, I build software end-to-end and write field notes and newsletters. Financially, I’m the same. We stopped drawing salaries when our later products weren’t making money.
In some ways, I’m doing even more than before. I’m now responsible for all the product and engineering work (and bugs!) I write longer and more meaningful pieces. I am just pursuing these at a more intentional and slower pace so that I can be more present as a father and husband. In some ways, a father who is looking after his family while building his business is more ambitious than someone who is “simply” running his business. Some close friends told me they wish they also have the courage to pursue what matters to them rather than just more income and bigger titles.
It was naive I thought I needed a Serious Professional Identity. An identity is just a label (or worse, a cage). I could still call myself a “Startup Founder”. But that is not important. What matters to me is whether I’m spending time with my family and still pursuing my intellectual interests and crafts. I would rather have no identity but write, make software, and be with my family every day than have a fancy title but do no Real Work. It doesn’t matter what others think; I answer only to myself and my family.
Perhaps I belong to a new breed of fathers.
In the past, fathers worked while their wife or relatives looked after their children. The rare few gave up work entirely to be homemakers. Nowadays, more and more dads are becoming hands-on with their kids (which I love to see).
But I’m also seeing a small but growing group of fathers like me. We choose flexible work and even take time off so that we can spend more time with our family. We optimize for time rather than money. While we don’t have a traditional career or a stable salary, we are no less ambitious. We build our business and plan our work around our family, not the other way around. Spending more time as a father and husband doesn’t diminish our professional work. Paul Millerd has taken time off twice for his two children and published two books (among many other achievements)!
This isn’t the cliche “work-life balance”. We fully embrace both our family and our work. It’s hard. It always feels like there is not enough time and we are not doing enough. But each of us finds our unique ways to make it happen.
Post script
I’d be remiss if I didn’t thank my wife for her support! She has constantly encouraged me to pursue what I want, even if that means I don’t have a stable income (though thankfully I did make enough money from my previous startup to give it another go for a while).
This question of what to call yourself when caregiving outweighs professional work cuts deep. So much of our identity gets outsourced to a title, and when it shifts we feel like we've lost something — but maybe what's actually happening is the borrowed definition falling away so a truer one can form. The work isn't reclaiming the old label; it's noticing which parts were ever really you. Thoughtful piece.