Hey! Quick note: After much thought, I’m narrowing my focus to writing about being a hands-on dad who is building a business around my family. I’ll still be writing about AI, software, business, health and fitness, and productivity but with that particular lens. If this no longer interests you, feel free to unsubscribe (or check out my field notes). If you will be staying around, reply to my questions below!
As part of a slower and more intentional life, I write these weekly emails and make Fernsage, an organized notebook for lifetime wisdom.
The 5 levels of hands-on dad
Because of my upbringing and flexible work setup, I became a rather hands-on dad. My parents spent my childhood building their business, so I want to spend more time with my kids. My wife works night and weekend shifts, so I solo-parent a lot.
With about three years of experience now, I thought it’d be fun to categorize the levels of hands-on dads. This exercise is also to help me reflect on how I can do more.
Caveat: This is for dads with young kids. I don’t have experience with teenage kids yet. If you have older kids, what would you add?
Level 1:
You play with your kid at home, which gives your wife some breathing space.
You bring him out once in a while for an hour or two.
You sometimes rely on YouTube to keep your kid entertained by himself.
Level 2:
You help change his diaper, give him a bath, and feed him.
You bring him out for half a day or the entire day yourself.
You sometimes take annual leave when your kid’s school is closed or childcare leave when he is sick.
You help with household chores.
Level 3:
You cook (or buy) meals for your family, with your kid’s preference in mind.
You comment on and help out with your kid’s development.
You can look after your kid yourself for the entire day.
Level 4:
You think about and manage his major developmental shifts, such as starting on solid food, weaning off milk bottles, and training for the potty.
You are the preferred person for morning and night routines.
You are the default parent to take annual leave when your kid’s school is closed or childcare leave when he is sick.
You can look after your kid yourself for multiple days in a row.
Level 5:
You handle the admin (e.g. school paperwork and extracurricular activities) and logistics (e.g. diaper restocks and birthday celebrations).
You own the household chores, so it’s off your wife’s mind entirely. You might do them yourself or outsource them to a cleaner.
You spend more time looking after your kid than your wife.
You can look after your kid yourself for any duration.
If you do the above for multiple kids, you should get an automatic upgrade to the next level.
My dad was at Level 0 because he never even changed my diapers. But he built an enduring 38-year business! I’m currently at between Level 3 and Level 4. But my business is still just getting off the ground. I don’t think it has to be a one-to-one trade-off between business and family, though. I am a living experiment to prove that.
Which level are you at? Do you know any Level 5 dads running their own businesses?
Stepping back, it is heartening to see more dads getting involved. My dad’s generation barely looked after their kids. Nowadays, I often see dads looking after their little ones themselves. Even if you are on Level 1, you deserve a pat on the back.
For sure, it is physically and mentally draining. But, man, just the other day, my 3-year-old son wanted me for bedtime and said:
“I want you because I love you.”